Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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