Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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