so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
