I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
