we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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