Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
