this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
