Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
