Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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