why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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