She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
