well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
