totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I intend to get homeless drunk
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm always down for nudity.
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