smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
