girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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