Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
