I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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