Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can Purell be used as lube?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
