I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
