You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
