Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
