Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
