once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
