I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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