I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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