I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
why is half of my head shaved?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
