Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
