If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
