I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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