You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
