Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
