she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
