My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I need to calm my uterus...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
