My friends, they love my intelligence
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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