I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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