Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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