Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
