you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
