i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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