Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
