Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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