She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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