I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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