but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
