I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Boobs are out for the taking
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
