He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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