He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
