he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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