remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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