Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
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How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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