if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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