I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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