We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
