Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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