the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm like, not good at living.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
