dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
